Duality

We are, but we aren't
I'm so proud, but I'm miserable
I like you, but it's attraction
We're ending, but we're friends
We're starting, but we're saying goodbye
We're lovers, but we're nothing
We can talk, but not conclude
I'm excited, but I'm unconsoled
We progress, but we backtrack
We're alone, but together
We'll eat dinner, but not go out
We'll go out, but not date
I'll call you, but can't have your number
I'll spend the night, but can't know where you live
I know your friends, but can't hang out
We know the families, but are unknown
You hold me, but can't hug me
We smile, but can't look
We're together, but we can't be
We kiss, but we make out
You make me happy, but I cry
We dance, but we don't know the steps
We don't move, but we explore
We're tender, but we hurt
We laugh, but we're serious
We're sure, but we don't know
We are, but we aren't

And yet, after all... I wouldn't have you leave me.

(Written sometime in the mid 2000's)

Mice under the Stove

I don't know about you, but I tend to notice things at the most inconvenient times. Times when there's nothing I can do to fix whatever it is I've noticed. Like noticing you have mustard on your shirt when you're out and have no wipes. Or noticing how long your hair has gotten when you have no time for another week or so to cut it. Or noticing your car is an absolute mess because of pollen season right before you go to pick someone up. Or noticing your food is burning while your two kids are screaming.

Nursing a young baby affords a lot of time to notice things you can do nothing about. Like the spots on the carpet, the junk on the table, the fingerprints on everything, and oh yeah - the mice under the stove. Fortunately these are not real mice, just the cat toys. I'd rather wondered where they'd made off to. The problem is that by the time you're done nursing something else has come up so when you notice these things is when you're incapacitated (for lack of a better word). Also, there just always seems to be something better to do than to fish out cat toys from under the stove. Doggonit, they are just going to end up right back down there in another day or two.

Fortunately now I have found an online to-do list that also has a phone app (huge props to Cozi.com), so as long as I have my phone or computer by me I can add whatever I'm thinking about to a list and then maybe someday it will get done. Maybe. Someday. In the meantime, it affords me alternating bouts of frustration and amusement to think of all the things I've noticed.

15 minutes of FLY

Once upon a time there was a woman who lived in a disaster zone. There were piles of this and piles of that everywhere. There were stains on the floor, crayon murals on the walls, and unidentified substances growing in the fridge. If you so much as looked at the house cat hair would stick to you for the entire day - in fact after a week or so the neighbors assiduously averted their gazes. Things were so terrible if you were to take a before picture it would have broken your camera. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was THAT BAD.

The woman would go through fits of depression that the house was so messy to cleaning frenzies trying to right weeks and months of .. well .. wrong. With a two year old, three cats, a husband, and herself, nothing seemed to stay clean past the end of the day. Attempting any kind of cleaning with the two year old around was just plain craziness. In case you didn't know, the attention span of the average two year old is .. oh .. 10 - 15 minutes? Especially if they are not particularly interested in what is going on.

Then one day this woman followed a link from Facebook and stumbled onto www.FlyLady.com and overnight everything changed. NOT. In fact, it didn't even change in a week. However little by little things did start to change. 15 minutes at a time, one habit at a time, one chore at a time. A couple months and a new child later the disaster zone is gone, replaced by a clean home. In fact, it's not just a picked up home, but little by little the clutter is disappearing and projects that have been waiting for months are getting done. There's room to breathe, room to grow, and time to enjoy the kids.

But wait.. I have projects!

These past two months have flown by. Between re-learning to be mother to an infant, discovering the "twos," reclaiming my house, and spending time with my husband it has been too short. This week reality came crashing in on my party as I went back to work.

I have re-discovered my love of cooking. Cooking recently has involved Rachel, as much because she wants to as because I need to keep her busy so she's not trying to pick up "Buddy Boy" whom she loves. Cooking with the two of them is no piece of cake, especially since neither of them wants to be without attention for long. It's become easier, though, as I learned to plan ahead. I have a plan for the week which helps me to know what food to put out to thaw so I'm not struggling last minute. If I know I need things chopped I can do them slowly throughout the day instead of all at once when we NEED attention. As a fringe benefit it also makes shopping trips quicker.

During this past month and a half I have also been working on a lot of the projects that I really wanted to get finished. All Rachel's clothes are sorted and I got rid of quite a lot of them (while saving the cutest for my younger sister Rosa... hint hint). I sorted through Connor's clothes and got them organized too. The attic was straightened up as I put things up there in storage. Rachel's closet (previously a jumbled mess of storage bins and random things I tossed in there) is now not only neatened up but useable as a closet AND a play area. The coat closet in the living room is clean. The loveseat and ottoman that we needed out of the way were cleaned and sold. Both the living room and kitchen have had the furniture rearranged. The tub is scrubbed. The pantry is neat and organized. Oh yes, and we got PLENTY of outside play time in this gorgeous weather. Craziness, yes? Sadly it's only about half of what I really want to do.

And now I'm back to work. It just makes me want to yell: "But wait... I have projects!"

Why Parents Drink

After helping my daughter put her clothes back on a couple times yesterday, I was not best pleased to have to find a new diaper as well to replace the one she'd tossed before she peed on the carpet. Though I've been talking about potty training for a couple of months now I just simply haven't had the energy to go through with it... until now. Yesterday was the last straw.

While I was pregnant I would take her into the bathroom with me and sit her on the potty chair whenever she was interested. Heck, I was in the bathroom 50 billion times a day, and like it or not she was in there with me at least 49.99999999999 billion of those times (she must have been asleep the other .0000000001 times). Sometimes she'd go, sometimes not. Sometimes she'd get upset if I took off her pants/diapers, sometimes she thought it was fun. When she sat she'd almost always pee a little bit, but most of the time she just wasn't in the mood. Well mood or not, sister, the camel's back has broken, so let's do this!

In case you weren't aware of how parents are torturing themselves now, there is a 3-day potty training method.  You can find more information about it on this website. I talked to one of my friends who had tried it and she said it had worked for her, so I figure why not? Basically it boils down to let the kid run around for 3 days with no diapers and watch them like a hawk so you can swoop them up every time they have to go and dump them on the potty. Not something I want to try on carpets, so we get to hang out in the kitchen for the next couple of days. No biggie, right? Let me just tell you, while there are a million and one things that need done in my kitchen... right now I cannot stand even the sight of it.

Today after waking up she took a shower with me, we got dressed, got baby Connor ready, grabbed the potty chair and headed to the kitchen. The following is a list of what we did today (in no particular order): unloaded the dishwasher, put more dishes in, danced, sang, put together puzzles, hung out with Mrs Chrissy who came to visit us, at a ton of snacks, had drinking contests (no I did not spike either of our juices), played with baby Connor, hand washed dishes, played with some water in the sink, cooked & had lunch, did 2 or 3 load of laundry, swept, had dinner, chatted with daddy, oh yeah, and sat on the potty a lot.

We had more successes than failures. There were 1.5 accidents in the morning and 1 accident in the afternoon. I caught two based on warning signs and the rest she told me about before they happened. At the end of the day the last thing was a huge adult sized poop. We did a silly happy song each time she successfully did something in the potty and then rushed it ("careful, careful" she told me) to the restroom to dump in the toilet. Have you ever had to be excited about pee? It's ... rather exhausting.

All this would be difficult under normal circumstances, but I've decided to up the ante and do it while I'm nursing. Why not, right? I've got another 2 weeks of maternity left. It would be really good to just get it all taken care of before she has to go back to a sitter. Ah, but what do you do if you've just latched a baby on and your toddler says "uh oh," grabs her crotch, and gets this shifty look in her eyes that tells you it's all about to happen NOW as she stands on a chair playing with the water in the sink? Yes, this would be the time that you tell her "Well come on, let's go potty, get down, you can do it" and you hope to goodness that it's true and she really CAN do it. Oh please oh please get down in time.. let's not ruin the record just because mommy can't swoop you up right now. PLEASE you can do it!

Potty training, my friends, is why parents drink.

Mom of Two

And suddenly, where there was only one before, now there are two. Two little souls looking to us for everything. Two little snuggly bugs ready for some cuddling. Two little siblings learning about each other and the world. Two little tiny Auffhammers making the world just a little more crowded. Two little bed hogs trying to kick mommy out of her spot. Let the craziness ensue. 

I'm pretty sure I should have started this child thing when I was younger and had more energy. I seem to have none now. Or quite possibly there is no time when there wold have been "more" energy. According to my mom (and who wants to argue with HER?) children suck the energy from the adults in closest proximity. At this point  her theory seems to be holding up. I have no energy. I nap when they nap. Fortunately the baby is small enough that all he does IS sleep, so whenever Rachel takes her nap I have time. Not looking forward to the time when he starts being more awake and aware.

Rachel is loving being a big sister. Every morning when I wake up I am greeted by a "Hi Mommy! ... [pause for looking around] ... Where baby Connor go?" followed by a hug and kiss. I cannot turn my back while he is in toddler reach or she will try to pick him up. She's always trying to give him his passy or a toy or uncover him to play with his feet and/or hands. If he's crying she's upset and has to tell me about it. "Mommy! Oh no, baby's cry! It's alright boy."

For his part, Connor seems to enjoy being a little brother. What's not to love? He gets to eat, sleep, and poop. Occasionally he gets to pee on someone during a diaper change. Bright toys are flashed in front of his eyes. This close-to-his-size face gets shoved in his constantly all day long. Someone's always chatting with him and he rarely has to be put down [again, for safety purposes]. Oh yes, it's a good life.

Time is passing too quickly as a mom of two. The first week my mom came to visit and I remember more than I did with Rachel, but days seemed to fly. The second week we were in Birmingham for my sister's wedding and all caught colds. The third week we were (are) still recuperating from colds and are settling into a routine. Another month and I have to go back to work, but I surely hope that this month does not fly as quickly as the first weeks did!

I hope to be updating our blog more often, but if I get distracted by snuggles don't blame me.

Questions

Can we make this work?
  I don't know.
Can we try?
  If you can, so can I.

But do we want to?
  Maybe this time yes.
Can we put the effort in?
  Would you rather suck it up again?

I don't want to lose you.
  But you never had me.
You make it sound so easy.
  Trust me, I never said it would be.

Will I ever get to see you?
  I see you every day.
But can we spend some time together?
  I won't say "no" or "never."

How did we get to this?
  One day at a time.
How do we get out?
  Well it won't hurt to pout.

Do you think you can respect me?
  That's why we're doing this.
Can it work - me being just your friend?
  Better than other ways that this could end.

But how do I stop caring?
  I can't answer that.
I can't make it disappear.
  I know - it's been more than a year.

I must admit I am a bit conflicted.
  Quite understandable.
Can't figure if it feels like an end or a beginning.
  Don't worry - we'll end up winning.

Can we make this work?
  I don't know.
Can we try?
  If you can, so can I.

What's in a Smile?

Reality, truth, lies, and perception
Four aspects of one same event.
An intriguing concept- that all for pertain
To every event, no matter of time
Reality, truth, lies, and perception.

The reality is it's only a smile;
It took but a moment to cook.
It might hide some feelings, that I don't know
There might be something below.
But the reality is: it's only a smile.

The truth is there's everything in that smile.
There's anguish and pain, comfort and care
And yet at the same time it's completely carefree;
A reflection from the other side of the glass.
And the truth is: there's everything in that smile.

The lie is there's nothing to that smile
It's simply a courtesy, one in return,
The same as it has been for almost two years.
So for everyone now, both coworker and friend
The lie is: there's nothing to that smile.

The perception is the smile is proof blatant
That something juicy must be afoot.
And since no details have been yet released
The gossip begins to flutter and flow.
The perception is: the smile is proof blatant.

Reality, truth, lies, and perception -
Four aspects of one same event.

Taking time to smell the roses

There's always something that has to be done, that needs to be done, that will not wait or else. But how much do those things really matter? Do you ever notice that we don't take enough time to just enjoy life? Maybe it's just me. I tend to be a worrier and a planner. I like to have everything neatly packaged, planned out, and second guessed. I have backup plans and backups to the backup plans. I know exactly what I'm going to be doing all day until I don't get it done. There is always so much to do, and I get caught up in the whirlwind of trying to make it happen.

Mostly, though, I worry. I worry about how to keep my house clean and my bills paid. About how to get to work on time and what I'm doing with my life. About how best to handle my cats and their craziness. About ... well ... insert pretty much anything (here). I like to think of it as planning, but probably half the time it's really just a cover for worrying. With all this planning (/worrying) it doesn't leave as much time for enjoying as I had thought being well planned out would leave.

Recently I have been reminded every morning as I drive into work that I need to slow down and just enjoy life. My day starts at 5am (ish) when I get up to get ready for work and for the day. I leave for work around 6:30 (ish) and until not too long ago most of my drive was in the dark or pre-dawn. However for the past week or so I have been regaled with an absolutely beautiful dawning of the day. In my rear-view mirror as I come around a particular bend a stunning red sun surrounded by clouds of fire and gold take my breath away. And I realize: I've been focusing too much on the little things. With all the beauty around me, why do I never see it? Why am I so intent on getting to work fast, or planning out how best to clean, or how best to pay off my bills that I cannot just sit down and enjoy the flowers or sitting on the grass with my daughter? Granted that things like paying bills, feeding your family, etc are all important things, but they should not take up your entire day. That way only leads to stress and discontent. One of these days I want to just sit and watch the sun come up. The entire way. Then I think I'll play outside with my daughter for a while & make a picnic for us to take to a park with Daddy.

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" - Matthew 6:26 (NIV)

Life - it's one of those things!

Life is one of those things you never see coming until it hits you. One moment you're playing in the park in front of your house, designing a super gymnastics course complete with hurdles (aka park benches) and more; the next you're cutting coupons and hoping you can get up the energy to fold your laundry tonight.

When did this happen? Each day seems to take forever to pass, and yet months go by without my noticing. How is our perception of time so flexible that minutes can take forever and yet years fly by? Is the human brain not big enough to handle the passage of time, and thus it cuts off portions? Does it ignore all the "boring" parts and boil a year down to the interesting? If that were so, what does it say about our lives, that we forget so much of our day to day?

When I was young, anything seemed possible. Everything seemed possible. We were traveling constantly and I knew that for the rest of my life I'd be traveling and making new friends. Towards the end of college I agonized over what to do with my life "after." One of the many plans I had was to join the service or the CIA. Either would let me travel, see new places, have an interesting life. Almost ten years later I find myself settled down (a think I never thought I would do) in a house with a child doing mundane things like dishes, and laundry, and coupons, and yard work. Not to say that this is boring - I actually quite enjoy my life overall - but this is in no way the fantastically exciting life I'd pictured when I was younger.

The funny thing is that while I sometimes sit back and wish I could go back to being single for a couple years to do all the traveling and cool things I hear others doing, I find myself too attached to this "settled"  life I'm in. Somehow, the joyous "mommy!" I get every time I pick my daughter up from her sitter's has become so much more important than even a visit back to South America (which I would love to take). The thought of hearing that in chorus makes me briefly forget that I've ever wanted anything else.

It hit me as well recently that throughout my life I've usually been the youngest of my group of friends. Now, however, find myself being one of the older friends in the groups. In some cases that's good - who thinks I'm an old fogy? No one! I find that I still identify with the early 20s crowd and not so much with the early/mid 30s group. Maybe it's a part of that time that my brain chopped off. Maybe I am just in denial. Or maybe it is as simple as this: I live in Never-Never land and while Wendy is off growing up, I'm staying young.

I am expecting any day to blink and find out that I'm 40 with a teenager (Lord have mercy!). I hope that I won't look back then and think that these were my "exciting" years. I hope that I can remember these years - that my brain does not decide to chop them off. My 40 year old self will probably laugh at my 30 year old self for thinking that this is life "hitting me." My 50 year old self will be laughing while remembering PTA and after-school events. My 60 year old self will probably laugh at all of us, shake her head, and say "They never saw this coming!" Yes indeed, life is just one of those things!